From "atheist" to "agnostic"


New member
I've just changed from "atheist" to "agnostic" on my ToL profile.

I'm writing this mainly for my own benefit and as an explanation.

No I haven't found Jesus, nor lost my marbles and it's not a trick.

A few hours ago I was alone with my 91 y-o mother next to her hospital bed as she died.
Several things have happened that make me suspect rather more strongly than before that something else is after all out there.

I still don't believe in any particular god, which as far as I'm concerned means I still qualify as an atheist, but I have also been an agnostic since well before I joined ToL.

I changed my title because I now think it reflects a slight change in my position, although technically I would still argue only that I am now agnostic/atheist rather than atheist/agnostic which is perhaps the "same difference", but there you go.

My mother who had not lost her marbles with old age had become painfully restricted bodily and needed most things done for her which she disliked immensely having always enjoyed being active. She was forced to give up her home and move into a care home early last year.
During the last few weeks I noticed her becoming visibly more frail and last Wednesday the doctor was called for, but today, Friday, I went to see how she was doing but in the end we agreed that an ambulance should be called.

So what happened to make me feel that a change in me has occurred, if only somewhat nominal?

The paramedic suggested that I set off in my car first to the Hospital A&E while they would probably be quicker with their "blues and twos" going. I quickly returned to my home to pick up my mobile phone and then immediately found myself behind an ambulance with "blues and twos" going.
However it was going unnaturally slowly and eventually pulled over with me behind. I thought that my mother may have died in the ambulance which gave me no chance to be with her at the end.

However, amazingly it turned out to be a completely different ambulance and the crew couldn't find the address of their call.

I found my mother in the A&E being given a blood transfusion, plasma and antibiotics. She couldn't talk but seemed to recognise me somewhat.

I was asked about what should be done about resuscitation if it came to that. Knowing my mother I said that no invasive techniques should be carried out, she wouldn't want to prolong the experience any longer than necessary.

They found her a bed on a ward, she was hooked up to various drips, oxygen and machines that went "beep". Her breathing was difficult even with oxygen.
It had been many hours by now and I was wilting somewhat myself and hadn't eaten anything. I went home had some food and a nap, the hospital said she was about the same, so I said I would come by in the morning if there was no change.

Something however told me to go back instead, so I did, she was about the same with rather more difficulty breathing, I thought she had had enough of this. The staff didn't really expect her to last the night so I sat beside her holding her arm.
I thought to myself, if there was anything like a god up there end it now!
And sure enough that is pretty much exactly what happened, her breathing soon faded away and she died peacefully with me holding her arm, knowing I was there.
I found a nurse and she was pronounced dead just before midnight.

One of my earliest memories is of being on a bed-sheet with a coin sized blue ink stain on it. As she died I found myself looking at the very same thing on her bed-sheet. Despite everything I feel somewhat more comfortable about death than I did before. :)


Dearest Alwight,

I was half in shock as I read your blog. I had no idea this would happen so soon. What a day you must have had! I'm so sorry for you and yet happy for her, God bless her heart. She's in a better place, so don't be troubled Alwight. God takes care of His children, even you!! You don't know any better not to believe in Him, but He believes in you and Her!! Your account is very touching, yet like a ton of bricks, it hit me. So many things going on in your life. Do you have any more family besides her brother?? I hope you're not going through this all on your own.

May God Comfort You In Your Time Of Need!!!



Well-known member
Alwight, please accept my deepest condolences. I'm so sorry for your loss. May your mom rest in peace. I'm so glad you were able to be with her.

And I'm glad I found your blog entry. I'd already logged off for the night, and for some reason I logged back on and did what I never do: I clicked the 'blog' link at the top of the TOL page. And found your post.


Eclectic Theosophist
Condolences to you and your family. I still look at it from a theosophic point of view,...there is birth, death and rebirth, undergoing many different transformations and experiences. The soul or 'consciousness' goes thru many life-experiences or embodiments, so it is precious and unique in each circumstance and personality. Blessings.