Confessions of a Bipolar Amateur Theologian

[Brother Vinny]

I have mild bipolar disorder (bipolar II). I was first diagnosed about five years ago. Nothing really to be medicated over--at least, I seem to be getting on okay without meds--but my swings are pretty deeply felt sometimes.

Saturday night was me in manic top form. When I'm up, God is on His throne and all is right in the world. I am utterly convinced of the rightness of my position, and it is as settled here, I think, as it must be in heaven.

Yesterday I spent a good deal of time sleeping.

Today I crashed. God seems distant, the possibility of His non-existence seems more plausible. Chinks in my theological armor begin to show, and my skin gets a little thinner than usual.

This happens. I feel a part of me still clinging to hope as the darkness descends, and I know I just have to wait it out before the roller coaster starts its ascent once more.

Constant Reader, I covet your prayers.

 

[mmstroud]

These are the times I'm glad to have my view of God's sovereignty. By itself, it doesn't erase the doubts, it doesn't erase the fear when it raises its ugly head. but it is something to reach out and grab when I feel I'm going down for the third time... The years of study, the years of reading, the years of discussions... they all serve as a sort of imprint on my brain that I can access without much thought. It's kind of like the kind of muscle memory a martial artist relies on in a bout. I feel for you, brother. I have friends who are bipolar, ranging from that which would be considered mild to a friend who was actually the subject of a study because the time between his 'flips' was unusually brief. It is, indeed, a roller coaster.