Dealing with an angry person

V

Volts

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I have two roommates and one of them has a problem with controlling his temper. I'll call my roommates Person A and Person B. I don't want to use their real names. Recently, Person A was missing something. He asked me if I saw it or took it and I told him that I did not see it or take it. Then, Person A asked Person B, "Why did you take it?" Person B said to Person A, "I did not take it. I would never take your stuff. I take only what belongs to me. I did not take what belongs to you. I have some things that look like your things, but I did not take your things." Then, Person A loses his temper. Person A did not like Person B's tone of his voice. Person A and Person B continued to talk about the missing item. Person A claimed that Person B was making funny faces at him so he raised his voice again and yelled at him. Person A continued to yell at Person B for several minutes. Person A claimed that Person B's tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions were disrespectful and rude. IMHO I didn't think so. I told Person A to calm down and that he was getting out of control. I offered to find his missing stuff for him. Eventually, he calmed down.

Person A frequently loses his temper and this is just one example. How would you deal with Person A?
 
Rusha

Rusha

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Volts said:
I have two roommates and one of them has a problem with controlling his temper. I'll call my roommates Person A and Person B. I don't want to use their real names. Recently, Person A was missing something. He asked me if I saw it or took it and I told him that I did not see it or take it. Then, Person A asked Person B, "Why did you take it?" Person B said to Person A, "I did not take it. I would never take your stuff. I take only what belongs to me. I did not take what belongs to you. I have some things that look like your things, but I did not take your things." Then, Person A loses his temper. Person A did not like Person B's tone of his voice. Person A and Person B continued to talk about the missing item. Person A claimed that Person B was making funny faces at him so he raised his voice again and yelled at him. Person A continued to yell at Person B for several minutes. Person A claimed that Person B's tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions were disrespectful and rude. IMHO I didn't think so. I told Person A to calm down and that he was getting out of control. I offered to find his missing stuff for him. Eventually, he calmed down.

Person A frequently loses his temper and this is just one example. How would you deal with Person A?
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Person A, by virtue of his accusation, was not deserving of a respectful tone.

I have a nephew like this ... almost 40 years old, and he gets worse with age.

I have known others like this as well, and IMO, it's a personality flaw that, short of miracle or hard knock to the head, they won't be changing. You are just going to have to decide if this person is worth the extra time and frustration that will come from his/her ongoing personality flaw.
 
Totton Linnet

Totton Linnet

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Well I've seen folks better at this than me, they just speak kindly to them, they seem to be able to assure Person A he is respected.

But I have found in myself when I am scared I soon start speaking respectfully.
 
Totton Linnet

Totton Linnet

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quip said:
You have to be threatened first? Rather odd.
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I wasn't boasting...I tend to speak to people as they speak to me.

...I don't think that's the best way...I work hard at this, especially as I have seen other people do better.
 
OCTOBER23

OCTOBER23

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1.Say you Understand and Agree with the Point of View of the other person.

2. Compliment the Person on their acuity and observation of the problem.

3. Or just Punch him in the mouth.:thumb::):p
 
Town Heretic

Town Heretic

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Volts said:
...Person A was missing something. He asked me if I saw it or took it and I told him that I did not see it or take it.
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So far so good, assuming the intimation was that you might have innocently used or moved the item.

Then, Person A asked Person B, "Why did you take it?"
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A doesn't like B. At that point, if I was B, I'd have said, "File charges or move out. I'm not a thief and I don't appreciate being treated like one because it suits your temper."

Person B said to Person A, "I did not take it. I would never take your stuff. I take only what belongs to me. I did not take what belongs to you. I have some things that look like your things, but I did not take your things."
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Too involved as answers go. Makes me wonder if B actually did take the item. That or B is a remarkably mild person.

Then, Person A loses his temper. Person A did not like Person B's tone of his voice. Person A and Person B continued to talk about the missing item. Person A claimed that Person B was making funny faces at him so he raised his voice again and yelled at him. Person A continued to yell at Person B for several minutes. Person A claimed that Person B's tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions were disrespectful and rude. IMHO I didn't think so. I told Person A to calm down and that he was getting out of control. I offered to find his missing stuff for him. Eventually, he calmed down.
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Were the items found eventually? For all you know A sold his stuff or lost or misplaced it elsewhere and felt like taking it out on B. He certainly set up the tirade nicely (assuming B didn't actually take them).

Person A frequently loses his temper and this is just one example. How would you deal with Person A?
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Sit down as a group and voice concern with this sort of conduct and suggest that either the three of you find a better way of communicating or begin the process of dissolving the arrangement.



Truster said:
I thought the American way was pull your concealed weapon and fire at will.That is if you ''feel threatened''.
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Whereas you'd just what, smug him into submission? :plain:
 
A

aikido7

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Volts said:
I have two roommates and one of them has a problem with controlling his temper. I'll call my roommates Person A and Person B. I don't want to use their real names. Recently, Person A was missing something. He asked me if I saw it or took it and I told him that I did not see it or take it. Then, Person A asked Person B, "Why did you take it?" Person B said to Person A, "I did not take it. I would never take your stuff. I take only what belongs to me. I did not take what belongs to you. I have some things that look like your things, but I did not take your things." Then, Person A loses his temper. Person A did not like Person B's tone of his voice. Person A and Person B continued to talk about the missing item. Person A claimed that Person B was making funny faces at him so he raised his voice again and yelled at him. Person A continued to yell at Person B for several minutes. Person A claimed that Person B's tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions were disrespectful and rude. IMHO I didn't think so. I told Person A to calm down and that he was getting out of control. I offered to find his missing stuff for him. Eventually, he calmed down.

Person A frequently loses his temper and this is just one example. How would you deal with Person A?
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The first mistake is saying "Why did you take it?" As any native speaker of English knows, the question presupposes guilt without actually asking the person out loud.

The dynamic here seems to be that both A and B accuse the other of "causing" their respective feelings of angry. When I worked in my daughter's co-op preschool I often had to mediate disputes between two screaming four-year-olds. By getting them together and asking certain questions that elicited face-to-face communication, I was able to facilitate an agreement that both sides could live with. I did not tell them what to do, nor did I blame one or the other. It's the relationship that needs fixing, not a single person.

If you are able to be accountable for your feelings, use the personal pronoun "I" instead of the "You" form which is accusatory and comes across as hurtful.

It is better to say "I am having trouble accepting what you say here. I find it hard to believe you because 'X, Y and Z.' " Much much better than yelling "You're a liar!"

The dynamic you describe sounds like A was used to throwing a tantrum when his needs weren't met as a child. Instead of you telling him what he should do, do some deep listening and acknowledging his anger. Ask him if he can express his anger in ways that do not throw fuel on the fire.

See if he will agree to certain guidelines being used when dealing with conflict. Otherwise he is on his own.

One final thing. If one feels attacked or mocked by someone else and feels put down by seeing the other person use certain facial expressions, then you have to take them at their word. They actually DO feel attacked and egged on, whether you see this or not.
 
Lon

Lon

Well-known member
Some people (only children :think:), emote (kidding about only children, but it is often true of some of them).

Basically, when they've lost something, they go into panic mode and don't think. This seems true of your friend. I am not an only child, but have some of this conflict. I have to back away from emoting when I've lost something.

Your friend needs to count to ten (more like one hundred). The value of the item should play into the amount of anxiety he s facing (if he is looking for a deodorant stick, "Here, have mine" might take care of it rather quickly).

Remind him if he has no trust in his roomates, then he probably should get a room over garage where he can be alone. False accusation is a serious matter.
So, rather than moving out (not horrible advice, but...) he might be encouraged to.

"Dude. nobody even wants to wear your Levi's, did you check the washer/dryer and your dresser? Give it a day, jeans aren't an immediate thing to panic over."

I'm not sure if he'll listen to reason in such a state. "Count to 100 again," might be a necessary/repeated retort to have to remind him. Sit him down with all roomates and tell him you are going to require him to count to 100 at times, to avoid unnecessary drama.

Just an idea, lots of others might work as well. Relationship answers require a bit of trouble-shooting so give a few of these in thread suggestions a try until something works.
 
R

resodko

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Volts said:
How would you deal with Person A?
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give him a drama queen award
woman-crying-21.jpg


and if he doesn’t take the hint, wait till he’s sleeping, toss all of his stuff out on the sidewalk and superglue his fingertips to his eyelids :thumb:
 
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