Let's talk women's rights!

aharvey

New member
Originally posted by cattyfan

Part of my original statement was that single motherhood in all areas of society has become accepted. I then gave statistics and examples to back this up, inlcuding the incredible rise in the number of single mothers, both teens and adults, the portrayal in fictional movies and T.V. shows, and also in the media.

All areas of society? I missed that from your stats. It looks from your numbers that most are poor folks living in large cities. And all your stats are recent, so you didn't really show an incredible rise in anything.

Originally posted by cattyfan

Do you think a national morning show would be discussing an unwed mother's fashion statement 30 years ago? Hollywood actresses had plenty of money 30 years ago, but you didn't have so many of them becoming unwed mothers. What is your explanation for that?

There are more actresses today than 30 years ago. You know something about bias. Why not put a positive spin on the facts: "There are more actresses today that are not unwed mothers than there were 30 years ago."

Just because something on TV is less shocking today than it would have been 30 years ago doesn't make it a bad thing. Thirty years ago, it was truly shocking that a white man and a black woman kissed on a TV show. It wouldn't be so shocking today. Is that a bad change? What would you say are the implications of this change?

Originally posted by cattyfan

Do you really think that if society at large still treated single motherhood as something very sad, something irresponsible, and something to be ashamed of that over 50% of high school girls would think there is nothing wrong with it? Or that if single motherhood was something that was taken seriously that you would have people saying, "Well, she just needs sonething to love on her day off."

Again, I'd be careful to generalize from that study to all teen girls. And I'm skeptical that they actually said they thought there is nothing wrong with it (although I of course don't know). But then again, this is all about overgeneralization. If one person says something ludicrous (as per your quote above), and it fits your soapbox, then it's appropriate to assume that everyone (well, "society at large") feels the same way.

Originally posted by cattyfan

If you believe teens don't take their cues from the rich and spoiled, then you're blind...they imitate fashion from 50 Cents, Brittany Spears, and Lindsey Lohan. They try the X-treme stunts they see on MTV. They pick up on the trendy language of hip hop artists. If they didn't, magazines like Teen Cosmo, Us, Entertainment Weekly, and all the rest of the fashion, fan , and teen sport magazines wouldn't exist. There is article after artilcle with titles along the lines of "How to Dress Like Your Favorite Movie Star." Why do you think these are published?

I must keep missing the articles along the lines of "You too can have a baby without getting married!" At my kids' schools, and at the school where I teach, a minority of kids actually dress like their "idols;" I know of none that try the X-treme stunts seen on MTV; and language transmission is a lot more complex than you're giving it credit. Just because some five-year old kid makes national headlines because he gets hurt trying to imitate a stunt he saw in a movie, you can't generalize this to all kids, or even lots of kids. You also can't jump from clothes to baby-making attitudes in one fell swoop like this.

Originally posted by cattyfan

And what you're saying is Hollywood starlets are single moms because they can afford it and poor single moms are single moms because they're poor and don't know any better.

Oversimplification of what I said, but less so than the oversimplication of your own position.

Originally posted by cattyfan

Again, 30 years ago you wouldn't have found 53% of teen girls saying unwed motherhood is okay because back then society didn't support it. There were certainly still poor people. How do you explain the change in their perspective?

53% of teen girls surveyed doesn't mean 53% of teen girls period. That's why I'd want to know more about the sample. And in any case, you really don't know what teen girls would have said about this 30 years ago (back then there were in fact teen girls in my town who did get pregnant), and you don't really have any evidence that "society" supports it, or that this support is WHY today's teen girls in that sample think it's okay. And I'm rilly sure you don't have a clue what was going on in the worlds of "poor people" thirty years ago, so how would you know that their perspective has changed at all?

Originally posted by cattyfan

As far as "dwelling on the negative aspects," M*A*S*H* would not be a good example as they consistantly showed the blood, lost patients, and had trouble coping...the endless drinking "to forget" and Haweye having a nervous breakdown (he was treated by Dr. Sydney Freedman on several occasions before the series ender) would be prime examples.

No, that was exactly my point. Those shows were not typical comedies in part BECAUSE they dwelled on the darker sides of their characters. That's why I was wondering if you liked them, or preferred them to the kind of comedies that seem to bother you because they do not dwell on the negative.

Originally posted by cattyfan

If you are unable to see connections, perhaps you should have your reading comprehension checked.

Hey, is this really Nineveh?
 
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cattyfan

Guest
you say

All areas of society? I missed that from your stats. It looks from your numbers that most are poor folks living in large cities. And all your stats are recent, so you didn't really show an incredible rise in anything.

apparently you missed this stat:

Recent statistics show single motherhood on the rise, at 12 million, up from 3.4 million in 1970

That's 12 million single mother household today...an increase of 8.6 million. That would repersent an "incredible" increase. And the stats on "poor people" demonstrate a high percentage of poor single mothers live in big cities, but if you do a little math, you can figure out not all single moms are in the big city, nor are all single moms poor...but a high percentage of them are.

Originally posted by cattyfan

Do you think a national morning show would be discussing an unwed mother's fashion statement 30 years ago? Hollywood actresses had plenty of money 30 years ago, but you didn't have so many of them becoming unwed mothers. What is your explanation for that?


you responded ;

There are more actresses today than 30 years ago. You know something about bias. Why not put a positive spin on the facts: "There are more actresses today that are not unwed mothers than there were 30 years ago."

Just because something on TV is less shocking today than it would have been 30 years ago doesn't make it a bad thing. Thirty years ago, it was truly shocking that a white man and a black woman kissed on a TV show. It wouldn't be so shocking today. Is that a bad change? What would you say are the implications of this change?


Are you really claiming the percentage of births to unwed mothers hasn't risen?

The comment about something being "shocking" is a red herring. Interracial dating has nothing to do with this discussion, although you make my point by confirming that as something becomes more commonplace, it no longer bothers people. In relation to unwed mothers no longer being "shocking," the implication is it that, sadly, it no longer causes a ripple. You have made my point for me by supporting when something becomes more frequent and is seen more frequently, it in turn becomes more accepted.

Originally posted by cattyfan

Do you really think that if society at large still treated single motherhood as something very sad, something irresponsible, and something to be ashamed of that over 50% of high school girls would think there is nothing wrong with it? Or that if single motherhood was something that was taken seriously that you would have people saying, "Well, she just needs sonething to love on her day off."


you responded:

Again, I'd be careful to generalize from that study to all teen girls. And I'm skeptical that they actually said they thought there is nothing wrong with it (although I of course don't know). But then again, this is all about overgeneralization. If one person says something ludicrous (as per your quote above), and it fits your soapbox, then it's appropriate to assume that everyone (well, "society at large") feels the same way.

The number of 53% of girls who think it's worth it to have a child out of wedlock comes from a study at Rutgers University (as noted in my original post.) The survey they used targeted a cross section of teenage girls covering all social strata,location, and race. As for the quote, that was something one of Calista Flockhart's contemporaries said. I suppose I could research and provide you with thousands more, but you still wouldn't be convinced that the view of society at large has changed.

You still haven't answered my question: If society still sent pregnant unwed girls or women off to their aunt's house to give birth and then put the baby up for adoption ( a common practice until the 70s) do you think we would still see so many births to unwed mothers?

Originally posted by cattyfan

If you believe teens don't take their cues from the rich and spoiled, then you're blind...they imitate fashion from 50 Cents, Brittany Spears, and Lindsey Lohan. They try the X-treme stunts they see on MTV. They pick up on the trendy language of hip hop artists. If they didn't, magazines like Teen Cosmo, Us, Entertainment Weekly, and all the rest of the fashion, fan , and teen sport magazines wouldn't exist. There is article after artilcle with titles along the lines of "How to Dress Like Your Favorite Movie Star." Why do you think these are published?


you responded:


I must keep missing the articles along the lines of "You too can have a baby without getting married!" At my kids' schools, and at the school where I teach, a minority of kids actually dress like their "idols;" I know of none that try the X-treme stunts seen on MTV; and language transmission is a lot more complex than you're giving it credit. Just because some five-year old kid makes national headlines because he gets hurt trying to imitate a stunt he saw in a movie, you can't generalize this to all kids, or even lots of kids. You also can't jump from clothes to baby-making attitudes in one fell swoop like this.

I will ask you again, if kids aren't influenced by media and entertainment figures, why are there magazines which promote these trends targeted toward them...why are there whole lines of sports equipment that are designed and marketed toward them (at a high cost,)...and if they aren't influenced by these cultural icons, where are the changes in kids coming from? What is influencing their dress and behavior.

The kids at your school may not be carbon copies of Ms. Spears, but you can bet they're sporting the latest fashionable shorter, tighter shirts. If not at school, than out when they're socializing. And certainly they are affected when they see someone like Angelina Jolie have or adopt a kid without benefit of marriage...kids imitate the characters these people play..they quote from the movies, know all the words to the songs, and learn all the dance moves in the videos. They then see this person they want to be like who thinks it fine to have a baby sans husband. And you think it has no effect.

And, by the way, it isn't just teens. Single mother birth rates are up across all age demographics. The CDC, the Census Bureau, and just about any other study you'd like to check, will show that with women putting off marriage and living together instead of marrying having become more commonplace, older women are also becoming unmarried moms at a higher rate than ever. And the group with the highest percentage increase? Unmarried career women who have no boyfriend or husband. But it doesn't matter what level of education or income: the same studies show that children without the benefit of a married mom and dad home are at a far greater risk for a number of pitfalls (check my original post.)



Originally posted by cattyfan

And what you're saying is Hollywood starlets are single moms because they can afford it and poor single moms are single moms because they're poor and don't know any better.

you responded:

Oversimplification of what I said, but less so than the oversimplication of your own position.

I merely summarized what you had written.


Originally posted by cattyfan

Again, 30 years ago you wouldn't have found 53% of teen girls saying unwed motherhood is okay because back then society didn't support it. There were certainly still poor people. How do you explain the change in their perspective?

you responded:

53% of teen girls surveyed doesn't mean 53% of teen girls period. That's why I'd want to know more about the sample. And in any case, you really don't know what teen girls would have said about this 30 years ago (back then there were in fact teen girls in my town who did get pregnant), and you don't really have any evidence that "society" supports it, or that this support is WHY today's teen girls in that sample think it's okay. And I'm rilly sure you don't have a clue what was going on in the worlds of "poor people" thirty years ago, so how would you know that their perspective has changed at all?


The huge rise in the percentage of births to unwed mothers speaks for itself. That and thirty years ago single motherhood was whispered about and cautioned against. Now, as I have shown, it's celebrated in the media. Even in small towns where not that long ago unwed births were an embarrassment, they are now "no big deal." In Rockford, Illinois (where I lived for 17 years, and just moved from) 8 of the last 10 "first births of the year" featured on the local newspaper's front page were to unwed moms. If you really believe those births would have been photographed and published on the front pages in 1970, you're living in an entirely different world than the rest of us.

I'm talking about all of our society...not the "world's" poor people to which you refer.


Originally posted by cattyfan

If you are unable to see connections, perhaps you should have your reading comprehension checked.


you responded:

Hey, is this really Nineveh?


more than one person has told you this? You should probably consider why.
 
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aharvey

New member
Originally posted by cattyfan

apparently you missed this stat:

Yup, you're right, I missed that one. My bad.

Originally posted by cattyfan

That's 12 million single mother household today...an increase of 8.6 million. That would repersent an "incredible" increase. And the stats on "poor people" demonstrate a high percentage of poor single mothers live in big cities, but if you do a little math, you can figure out not all single moms are in the big city, nor are all single moms poor...but a high percentage of them are.

I'm glad you realize that less than 100% is not equal to 100%. Now we need you to realize that greater than 0% is also not the same as 100%!

Originally posted by cattyfan

Are you really claiming the percentage of births to unwed mothers hasn't risen?

For Hollywood starlets, the focus of the question to which I was responding here?

Originally posted by cattyfan

The comment about something being "shocking" is a red herring. Interracial dating has nothing to do with this discussion, although you make my point by confirming that as something becomes more commonplace, it no longer bothers people.

Gee, how could I have made your point with an irrelevant observation? Can't have it both ways, you know. And I don't disagree that as something becomes more commonplace, it may bother people less (it's not a universal, as you imply, because obvious these things don't bother you less!). But why does that happen? Sometimes it may be simple habituation. Sometimes it may be the realization that this wasn't such a bad thing after all. Sometimes there may be no direct relationship at all. Our willingness to talk about things that were suppressed 30 years ago is not limited to unwed mothers. Can you even name a topic about which TV is more inhibited in covering? Does this mean society is more accepting of everything? I don't think so.

Originally posted by cattyfan

In relation to unwed mothers no longer being "shocking," the implication is it that, sadly, it no longer causes a ripple. You have made my point for me by supporting when something becomes more frequent and is seen more frequently, it in turn becomes more accepted.

See above. Societies accumulate experiences, like individuals. It becomes harder and harder to shock a society over time, but I hardly think that lack of shock equals acceptance.

Originally posted by cattyfan

The number of 53% of girls who think it's worth it to have a child out of wedlock comes from a study at Rutgers University (as noted in my original post.) The survey they used targeted a cross section of teenage girls covering all social strata,location, and race. As for the quote, that was something one of Calista Flockhart's contemporaries said. I suppose I could research and provide you with thousands more, but you still wouldn't be convinced that the view of society at large has changed.

I guess I just don't think celebrity quotes mined from the National Enquirer are compelling indicators of societal attitudes.

Originally posted by cattyfan

You still haven't answered my question: If society still sent pregnant unwed girls or women off to their aunt's house to give birth and then put the baby up for adoption ( a common practice until the 70s) do you think we would still see so many births to unwed mothers?

Gee, I must have missed that question as well. My first take is that no, we wouldn't be as likely to see things that are being hidden from us.

Originally posted by cattyfan

I will ask you again, if kids aren't influenced by media and entertainment figures, why are there magazines which promote these trends targeted toward them...why are there whole lines of sports equipment that are designed and marketed toward them (at a high cost,)...and if they aren't influenced by these cultural icons, where are the changes in kids coming from? What is influencing their dress and behavior.

The kids at your school may not be carbon copies of Ms. Spears, but you can bet they're sporting the latest fashionable shorter, tighter shirts. If not at school, than out when they're socializing. And certainly they are affected when they see someone like Angelina Jolie have or adopt a kid without benefit of marriage...kids imitate the characters these people play..they quote from the movies, know all the words to the songs, and learn all the dance moves in the videos. They then see this person they want to be like who thinks it fine to have a baby sans husband. And you think it has no effect.

Who said kids aren't influenced by the media? My point is you make it sound like a universal, when it is not. And the more extreme the observation, the fewer kids are going to follow it. Thus, the clothes of some kids, the behavior of fewer kids, the reproductive behavior of very few kids, will reflect this influence. Again, it makes no sense to claim that because I like the way so and so dresses, I will make babies like her as well.

Originally posted by cattyfan

And, by the way, it isn't just teens. Single mother birth rates are up across all age demographics. The CDC, the Census Bureau, and just about any other study you'd like to check, will show that with women putting off marriage and living together instead of marrying having become more commonplace, older women are also becoming unmarried moms at a higher rate than ever. And the group with the highest percentage increase? Unmarried career women who have no boyfriend or husband. But it doesn't matter what level of education or income: the same studies show that children without the benefit of a married mom and dad home are at a far greater risk for a number of pitfalls (check my original post.)

So you're claiming the same pattern for career women as for teens; is -- sorry, I was taken away for a meeting; let's see, where was I? Oh yeah. Is the basis for the pattern the same in the two groups? Are career women modeling their sexual activity after those of Hollywood starlets?

Originally posted by cattyfan

The huge rise in the percentage of births to unwed mothers speaks for itself. That and thirty years ago single motherhood was whispered about and cautioned against. Now, as I have shown, it's celebrated in the media.

Celebrated? Dang, I missed the party. Do you really mean celebrated?

Originally posted by cattyfan

Even in small towns where not that long ago unwed births were an embarrassment, they are now "no big deal." In Rockford, Illinois (where I lived for 17 years, and just moved from) 8 of the last 10 "first births of the year" featured on the local newspaper's front page were to unwed moms. If you really believe those births would have been photographed and published on the front pages in 1970, you're living in an entirely different world than the rest of us.

Nope, nor would I have expected to have seen interracial smooching on TV. Lots of things have changed; not all of them are good, not all are bad, and not all of them are directly related to the evil media.

Originally posted by cattyfan

I'm talking about all of our society...not the "world's" poor people to which you refer.

No, actually you were specifically referring to the perspectives of poor people back then: "There were certainly still poor people [30 years ago]. How do you explain the change in their perspective?" I'd suggest that you might have your own reading comprehension checked, but this is your own writing; I don't think the comprehension tests would cover this.

Originally posted by cattyfan

more than one person has told you this? You should probably consider why.

I do. It's called considering the source.
 
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cattyfan

Guest
So you're claiming the same pattern for career women as for teens; is -- sorry, I was taken away for a meeting; let's see, where was I? Oh yeah. Is the basis for the pattern the same in the two groups? Are career women modeling their sexual activity after those of Hollywood starlets?

I'll try to use smaller words for you: Because society has become more accepting of single motherhood, it is becoming more and more prevalent in all age groups, races, and economic strata. And, yes, society is affected by the media...this is why those nasty businesses to which you earlier referred buy advertising: becauses we are all succeptible.

As for "quotes from the National Enquirer," I gave sources for all of my information. If you choose to lump The CDC, The Census Bureau, ABC News, MSNBC, Rutgers University, American Demographics, The Family Research Council, and Washington Watch in with a fish wrapper, then you have bigger problems than we are able to address on this forum.

Single motherhood has a detrimental effect on children in a high percentage of cases...whether that effect is the result of poverty, of mom not being home so the children aren't properly supervised, or any number of other issues isn't the point.

It's a sad situation when a culture decides it's o.k. to shortchange their children. I'm sorry you're so unwilling to acknowledge that.
 
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firechyld

New member
Quick question catty:

Are you grouping together women who raise children without their father being present (what I'd call "single mothers") and women who are raising children with their live-in or de facto partner? What's your definition of "unwed mothers"?
 

Lighthouse

The Dark Knight
Gold Subscriber
Hall of Fame
Originally posted by Poly

Like belching for 10 seconds. What woman would want to be able to do that? :shocked:
Obviously you've never watched Revenge of the Nerds IV: Nerds in Love. :chuckle:
 
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cattyfan

Guest
Quick question catty:

Are you grouping together women who raise children without their father being present (what I'd call "single mothers") and women who are raising children with their live-in or de facto partner? What's your definition of "unwed mothers"?

Most of the statistics I cited are from households with no father in the home and the celebrities I named are all women who decided they don't need a father for their child.

The women who are single but living together create a whole different set of troubling statistics. The one that bothers me most is the number of children in this country killed by live-in partners. That is actually the most common cause of death of a child in the U.S. Live-ins in this country are also the most common perpetrators of molestations. I will try and source those with a percentages for you. The frequency is appalling.
 

aharvey

New member
Originally posted by cattyfan

I'll try to use smaller words for you: Becasue society has become more accepting of single motherhood, it is becoming more and more prevalent in all age groups, races, and economic strata.
If you're going to use smaller words, you might at least try to spell them correctly! And maybe it would help if you thought about this like a scientist would. You have an observation (single motherhood is becoming more prevalent); you have a hypothesis (this is because society has become more accepting of single motherhood). Now it's time to test your hypothesis. Stating it is not the same as testing it! That's my main point in this entire discussion. You make claims about a causal relationship that are unsubstantiated.

But, hey, I was thinking last night. Weren't divorced woman seen in more or less the same jaded eye as single moms in those halcyon days of yesteryear? And wasn't it the same mindset that marginalized both sets of women? How enthusiastically do you want to endorse a return to a society that says women must stay in a marriage, not matter how awful, or face the condemnation (or what ever you're hoping to be able to aim at single mothers) of society?

Originally posted by cattyfan

And, yes, society is affected by the media...this is why those nasty businesses to which you earlier referred buy advertising: becauses we are all succeptible.
Let's see, how many times will I have to say this (are you sure you're not Nineveh?)? I never said society was not affected by the media. And I like your backhanded way of dismissing my claim that businesses drive the media, not the media, while agreeing with it!

Originally posted by cattyfan

As for "quotes from the National Enquirer," I gave sources for all of my information. If you choose to lump The CDC, The Census Bureau, ABC News, MSNBC, Rutgers University, American Demographics, The Family Research Council, and Washington Watch in with a fish wrapper, then you have bigger problems than we are able to address on this forum.
Hmm, are you sure you're not Nineveh? The way you use this "if you don't agree with me, then there must be something wrong with you" insult is just like her.

Oh, and if you read the context of my National Enquirer comment, you will see it refers explicitly to the quote-of-a-friend-of-Calista-Flockhart type of evidence that you were contemplating.

Originally posted by cattyfan

Single motherhood has a detrimental effect on children in a high percentage of cases...whether that effect is the result of poverty, of mom not being home so the children aren't properly supervised, or any number of other issues isn't the point.
Well, you're making the assumption that the high percentage of single mothers in poverty is uncorrelated with the high percentage of single mothers whose children suffer these detrimental effects. I don't think that's been established yet.

Originally posted by cattyfan

It's a sad situation when a culture decides it's o.k. to shortchange their children. I'm sorry you're so unwilling to acknowledge that.
I completely agree with you that it would be a sad situation when a culture decides it's o.k. to shortchange, er, its children. And I don't disagree that popular culture exerts a rather toxic effect on people (where we might disagree is the degree to which pop culture is, what did Newt Gingerich favorably call it, a market culture?). And I agree that two parents are better than one.
 
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cattyfan

Guest
If you're going to use smaller words, you might at least try to spell them correctly!

Gee...I apologize for the occasional typo. Like everyone, I am in a hurry sometimes, and don't have the time to make everything perfect. But if perfect typing and spelling were a criteria for judging ideas, there would be plenty of brilliant people whose commentaries would have been dismissed. (not saying I'm in the "brilliant" class, but that I, like many, sometimes don't proofread.)

But, hey, I was thinking last night. Weren't divorced woman seen in more or less the same jaded eye as single moms in those halcyon days of yesteryear? And wasn't it the same mindset that marginalized both sets of women? How enthusiastically do you want to endorse a return to a society that says women must stay in a marriage, not matter how awful, or face the condemnation


Divorce is far too prevalent in this country. I don't think a woman should have to stay married in every horrible situation, but I do think divorce should be the absolute last thing to be considered. Most divorcing couples haven't sought any kind of counseling or assistance to try and avoid the destruction of their marriage.

There are, in fact, two Biblical criteria for divorce. The first is adultery, and even that isn't iron clad. If there is a way to forgive and salvage the marriage, then do it. But if the spouse (male or female) is a serial adulterer, then end it.

The second is if the partner is an unbeliever who is interfering in your ability to forge a strong relationship with God. This can apply to a number of situations. For example, a man who beats his wife is violating scripture...even if at the time he is spouting verses about the woman being obedient. He is ignoring the verses about the man heading the household, leading that household in a Godly fashion, and treating his wife with the same love and care with which Christ tends the church. He is also interfering with her relationship with God in two ways: misrepresenting scripture and tearing her down emotionally which is an ingredient to helping destroy a person's faith.

But I don't think there should be "no fault" divorce. People who stand before God and make vows "'til death" do they part, then turn around a few years later and file for divorce because they "fell out of love," "have grown apart," or the other lame excuses make me sick. A good marriage takes work. If you hit a rough patch, you don't bail out of it. If you suddenly don't love the other person, you didn't really love them in the first place. What you had was infatuation or lust.

Divorce has been made way too easy in this country. And everything I just said about marriage should apply not just to women, but to men as well. Far too many people of both genders take too lightly what should be a lifetime commitment.
 

aharvey

New member
Originally posted by cattyfan
Gee...I apologize for the occasional typo. Like everyone, I am in a hurry sometimes, and don't have the time to make everything perfect. But if perfect typing and spelling were a criteria for judging ideas, there would be plenty of brilliant people whose commentaries would have been dismissed. (not saying I'm in the "brilliant" class, but that I, like many, sometimes don't proofread.)
So, your "smaller words" crack was okay, my "spell them correctly" crack was offbase?

Originally posted by cattyfan
Divorce is far too prevalent in this country. I don't think a woman should have to stay married in every horrible situation, but I do think divorce should be the absolute last thing to be considered. Most divorcing couples haven't sought any kind of counseling or assistance to try and avoid the destruction of their marriage.

There are, in fact, two Biblical criteria for divorce. The first is adultery, and even that isn't iron clad. If there is a way to forgive and salvage the marriage, then do it. But if the spouse (male or female) is a serial adulterer, then end it.

The second is if the partner is an unbeliever who is interfering in your ability to forge a strong relationship with God. This can apply to a number of situations. For example, a man who beats his wife is violating scripture...even if at the time he is spouting verses about the woman being obedient. He is ignoring the verses about the man heading the household, leading that household in a Godly fashion, and treating his wife with the same love and care with which Christ tends the church. He is also interfering with her relationship with God in two ways: misrepresenting scripture and tearing her down emotionally which is an ingredient to helping destroy a person's faith.

But I don't think there should be "no fault" divorce. People who stand before God and make vows "'til death" do they part, then turn around a few years later and file for divorce because they "fell out of love," "have grown apart," or the other lame excuses make me sick. A good marriage takes work. If you hit a rough patch, you don't bail out of it. If you suddenly don't love the other person, you didn't really love them in the first place. What you had was infatuation or lust.
In which case you should stay married?

Originally posted by cattyfan
Divorce has been made way too easy in this country. And everything I just said about marriage should apply not just to women, but to men as well. Far too many people of both genders take too lightly what should be a lifetime commitment.

Yeah, but what does all that have to do with what I said, which was that the same mindset that unilaterally condemned single moms is the same mindset that unilaterally condemned divorced women?
 
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cattyfan

Guest
Yeah, but what does all that have to do with what I said, which was that the same mindset that unilaterally condemned single moms is the same mindset that unilaterally condemned divorced women?

The "mindset" didn't condemn ALL divorces and single motherhood. (weren't you the one complaining about generalizing?) Single motherhood in the case of widows wasn't frowned on, and as I explained, there are times when divorce is understandable.

You made a crack on another thread about my divorce. Just so you know, I'm STILL embarrassed about having been divorced: I had a husband who for ten years slept around. I turned a blind eye until he brought his girlfriend du jour into my house while I was there. He refused to attend church and he badmouthed God. And when I asked him attend counseling with me, he turned violent. Even with all that, I fought the idea of divorce, struggled with it, and after it came to pass I felt shame every time I had to check the "divorced" box on a form or the divorce came up in conversation. I felt shame just thinking about it. Unlike so many people, I don't take it lightly.

I would like to see a return to a society that is less accepting of the rampant divorce and unmarried births in this country...but I would like the disapproval to apply to both sexes. Maybe it's not divorce that is taken too lightly; maybe it's marriage that is taken too lightly.
 

aharvey

New member
Originally posted by cattyfan

The "mindset" didn't condemn ALL divorces and single motherhood. (weren't you the one complaining about generalizing?) Single motherhood in the case of widows wasn't frowned on, and as I explained, there are times when divorce is understandable.
Yes, but was that so back in the good ol' days? Widows are easily identified as such. Were divorcees under what you, today, would consider legitimate circumstances spared the shame, the humiliation, the ostracizing, the disapproval? Or didn't people tend to overgeneralize? You are still embarassed about your divorce even though you feel it was justified; what possible good is that? And why do you feel that way, if you think you were justified?

Originally posted by cattyfan
You made a crack on another thread about my divorce. Just so you know, I'm STILL embarrassed about having been divorced: I had a husband who for ten years slept around. I turned a blind eye until he brought his girlfriend du jour into my house while I was there. He refused to attend church and he badmouthed God. And when I asked him attend counseling with me, he turned violent. Even with all that, I fought the idea of divorce, struggled with it, and after it came to pass I felt shame every time I had to check the "divorced" box on a form or the divorce came up in conversation. I felt shame just thinking about it. Unlike so many people, I don't take it lightly.
It wasn't a crack about your divorce. It was part of a series of examples of what I see running rampant on TOL; the less likely something will affect someone pesonally, the more likely they are to take a harsh, unyielding view on it.

(Full disclosure, I married too young, to my high school sweetheart who continued a secret affair with her junior high school sweetheart; I eventually filed for divorce after a year of denials, repeated transgressions, and finally the statement that she would NOT stop seeing the other guy. So I'm not unaware of what can go wrong in a marriage).

Originally posted by cattyfan
I would like to see a return to a society that is less accepting of the rampant divorce and unmarried births in this country...but I would like the disapproval to apply to both sexes. Maybe it's not divorce that is taken too lightly; maybe it's marriage that is taken too lightly.

Bingo (to the last sentence, at least!).
 
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cattyfan

Guest
You are still embarassed about your divorce even though you feel it was justified; what possible good is that? And why do you feel that way, if you think you were justified?

Justified, yes, but still the disolution of a sacred vow...one that I had expected to be forever. That it wasn't forever was heartbreaking. The shame came from having a failed marriage and from disappointing myself and my family, and from not realizing before marriage that my former spouse didn't have any respect for God or for vows made before God.

(Full disclosure, I married too young, to my high school sweetheart who continued a secret affair with her junior high school sweetheart; I eventually filed for divorce after a year of denials, repeated transgressions, and finally the statement that she would NOT stop seeing the other guy. So I'm not unaware of what can go wrong in a marriage).

I'm sorry you experienced one of the same betrayals that I did...and I know that, even though it gives a person a Biblical reason for divorce, it still causes excruciating pain and anger. My experience cause dme to be far more cautious and circumspect in my choices.

originally posted by me:

Maybe it's not divorce that is taken too lightly; maybe it's marriage that is taken too lightly.


you responded:

Bingo (to the last sentence, at least!).


Finally! We agree on something :)
 

aharvey

New member
Originally posted by cattyfan

Justified, yes, but still the disolution of a sacred vow...one that I had expected to be forever. That it wasn't forever was heartbreaking. The shame came from having a failed marriage and from disappointing myself and my family, and from not realizing before marriage that my former spouse didn't have any respect for God or for vows made before God.

Hate to say it, but when it comes to being able to read other people there's no substitute for experience. I don't think you need to feel shame for your inexperience, but that's just me.

Originally posted by cattyfan

I'm sorry you experienced one of the same betrayals that I did...and I know that, even though it gives a person a Biblical reason for divorce, it still causes excruciating pain and anger. My experience cause dme to be far more cautious and circumspect in my choices.
Me too. Waited twelve years before making the plunge again. It's working way better this time!

Originally posted by cattyfan

Finally! We agree on something :)
I think we agree on a number of issues here. I just think you've drawn a few too many conclusions about causality without real support, and I fear your "solutions" may therefore create new problems (or resurrect old ones) without necessarily solving the ones you're aiming at. But, on the other hand, I usually just haunt the Origins forum, where talk of hypotheses and data are expected (at least from us scientist types). Soap boxes (i.e., this forum heading) are places to vent strong opinions strongly, so perhaps I'm out of line here in trying to rein that in.

Oh, and I do seem to have lost a little tolerance for gratuitous insults. Just for the record, I am highly educated, have published some three dozen research papers, won major research grants and awards; I have had a broad range of "life experiences" both good and bad (e.g., bitten by a rabid dog, shot in the head with a 30.06; these were bad ones), have a good knowledge of both OT and NT, do not uncritically swallow any particular religious or political line. You may disagree with me, and maybe it will be because I'm wrong (I,m not afraid to admit when I'm wrong, by the way). but it will not be because I am stupid, uninformed, naive, or close-minded. When it comes to trading insults, I can probably hold my own with anyone here, but don't see how these snarky personal attacks really do anyone any good.

Not aimed at you specifically, cattyfan. Probably just feeling like it's my turn to vent...
 
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cattyfan

Guest
I am highly educated, have published some three dozen research papers, won major research grants and awards

I had already figured the educated part out. Congratulations on your awards...may I ask in what field?

I attended a small, private, liberal arts (emphasis on liberal) college. It was an education on many levels... I used the independent track 2 program for my major (allowing me to design it myself.)

A lot of my education has also come from having worked since I was 14...that was the only way to afford college.

I have had a broad range of "life experiences" both good and bad (e.g., bitten by a rabid dog, shot in the head with a 30.06; these were bad ones)

Another statement to which I can relate...I've packed a lot into my almost 38 years, some of which I wish I hadn't. I gave a little insight when I recounted my first marriage...The violent element had only been at "things" until I asked for us to get counseling. That, too, was an education.

have a good knowledge of both OT and NT, do not uncritically swallow any particular religious or political line.

Parochial school gave me an introduction to OT and NT, but a lot of other sources gave me an understanding of it. And my disheartening experiences with my first marriage caused me to call into question much of what I had learned. I read and studied other religions and didn't set foot in church for years. I ended up still believing.

I used to be a hard-core Democrat...but in the last 6 or 7 years, that party and I have been on divergent paths. I don't fully relate to Republicans either. I often feel both parties want my money, and neither has a good plan for it. Plus it's hard to ignore how I was raised: in a lower middle class family that was very Democrat and union oriented.

As for religion, you already know I believe in Christ...and with a husband in the Lutheran seminary, it isn't hard to determine where I stand. But my faith isn't blind, and I know churches and people who run them aren't perfect...only the One we follow is.

Probably just feeling like it's my turn to vent...

I understand that, too. My less than pleasant demeanor lately is probably related to being under the weather...although sometimes I do tend to shoot first and ask questions later even when I'm healthy.
 

firechyld

New member
Most divorcing couples haven't sought any kind of counseling or assistance to try and avoid the destruction of their marriage.

I don't know about the US, but couples in Australia who have been married for less than two years have to undertake mandatory marriage counselling before they can divorce. There's a push to make this apply to all married couples.

The "mindset" didn't condemn ALL divorces and single motherhood. (weren't you the one complaining about generalizing?) Single motherhood in the case of widows wasn't frowned on, and as I explained, there are times when divorce is understandable.

You mentioned a 5% figure regarding widows. I feel there are other categories that fall into the "acceptable" basket. What of women who are single mothers because they're fleeing a violent partner, or a partner who abused them or their child? What of women who are single mothers because their partner has up and left them, through no fault of their own? What of women who are single mothers because they fell pregnant to a rapist, or an abuser?

There are more.

I'm certainly not saying that all, or even most, single mothers fall into these "acceptable" categories... just that I feel the bracket is larger than 5%.
 
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cattyfan

Guest
I don't know about the US, but couples in Australia who have been married for less than two years have to undertake mandatory marriage counselling before they can divorce. There's a push to make this apply to all married couples.

not here...no mandatory counseling before marriage...no mandatory counseling before divorce. Very sad and way too easy.


You mentioned a 5% figure regarding widows. I feel there are other categories that fall into the "acceptable" basket. What of women who are single mothers because they're fleeing a violent partner, or a partner who abused them or their child? What of women who are single mothers because their partner has up and left them, through no fault of their own? What of women who are single mothers because they fell pregnant to a rapist, or an abuser?

There are more.

I'm certainly not saying that all, or even most, single mothers fall into these "acceptable" categories... just that I feel the bracket is larger than 5%.

fleeing a dangerous home falls into what I was talking about earlier...Biblical reasons for divorce. the percentage would increase adding those women in...

the sad part is many women in this country (I think the figure is around 65% or higher, but I can't find the study I read a few months ago) who flee abusive relationships get involved in another abusive relationship...and those men frequently abuse the children whom they have no relation to.
 

servent101

New member
Bllybob
How many points do you award for that type of behavior?
- very recently I have discovered that one starts to become emotional over an issue, the brain starts to make mistakes, leaving one subject to error more than normal. We all make mistakes in communication - and some people do try to get the other's goat - so in taking offence, and not just letting it slide, you get your blood pressure up, etc, and most likely are unable to access your very fine faculties as you would like - and thus the possibility of making mistakes in logic is increased.

As well a polite response to a misdemeanant is probably more apt to get you your desired response - that is if you desired to be understood, or if you wanted Wickwoman to stop misquoting you.

At any rate you get points for trying - seventy five points, but you loose thirty points for thinking whatever wickwoman was doing was in a way anything other than just having fun. All in all you are forty five points to the good - but I could take those away in the future, and even put you in the minus bracket - not likely though - and frankly who cares - for the most part we are just passing the day here.

With Christ's Love

Servent101
 

firechyld

New member
Catty...

I can't find the actual post, but I believe you mentioned the show "Sex and the City" on this thread.

I found myself watching an episode last night that focussed on the character Miranda... the single mother.

The entire episode was based around her friends understanding how hard her life is, how difficult and un-fun it is to be a single mother, and how much easier she'd find it if she were married. I know it's still not exactly professing the attitude that you'd consider positive, but I think you may have been a little too inaccurate when saying that it glamourised single mother hood, or made it seem appealing.

If I remember correctly, the character had the child in the first place because she didn't want to terminate the pregnancy. Surely there's some merit in that.
 

erinmarie

New member
Originally posted by firechyld

Catty...

I can't find the actual post, but I believe you mentioned the show "Sex and the City" on this thread.

I found myself watching an episode last night that focussed on the character Miranda... the single mother.

The entire episode was based around her friends understanding how hard her life is, how difficult and un-fun it is to be a single mother, and how much easier she'd find it if she were married. I know it's still not exactly professing the attitude that you'd consider positive, but I think you may have been a little too inaccurate when saying that it glamourised single mother hood, or made it seem appealing.

If I remember correctly, the character had the child in the first place because she didn't want to terminate the pregnancy. Surely there's some merit in that.

I have seen all the episodes pertaining to the single mom, Miranda...I almost cried a couple times with her, feeling so bad for her and her situation. And she made a big effort to include the baby's dad in every way too...She shouldn't have had sex with him without being married of course.
But everyone makes mistakes, and throughout the rest of the season she pays for it.

In a lot of cases in Hollywood, I think it's a matter of always getting what you want, when you want it...
I know so many women who are actively looking for a good man to be a good husband so they can have a family together, and with no results.
In Hollywood, you don't have to look further than a sperm donor, or bank, and a lot of money!
Having a husband and being able to have children with him is a wonderful gift, but I would be devestated and hard pressed to raise these two girls on my own in anyway! And I certainly couldn't imagine having a 'high-risk' pregnancy, like mine with Olivia, and not have the support of my husband! I know a lot single mothers say that they have the support of friends and family, but alot of times I had problems through the night, and would be all alone if not for my husband. (I guess women in Hollywood have 'hired help' :freak: )
 
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