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Thread: Life is fragile.

  1. #76
    TOL Legend annabenedetti's Avatar
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    I've been taking a class on stress and trauma. Very, very good. When the professor went down the line of symptoms and behavior and the DSM-5 requirements for diagnosis some of them started sounding kind of familiar. Knowing better than to fall victim to Psychology Student Syndrome (the fear that one has every disorder one is learning about ), nevertheless I approached her after class one day to talk about it and the circumstances around the death of one of my loved ones six years ago. What she said to me is for another time or never, but what I will say is that what she'd said in class, about how often "trauma shatters belief." That it often leads one to question everything one has ever believed in or had faith in, and that part of the healing process is in finding faith again. Not necessarily religion, but faith.

    I've experienced that shattering of faith. I can identify the beginnings of it and I can identify things that furthered the process. Whether or not I find faith again, I can't say right now, I can't see that far ahead. But I'm reminded of something a friend of mine said about grace being that no matter how far you drift away, God is following. That helps. Though I don't know anymore whether or not God is there, or if he was ever there.

    Tried and waited then got tired, that's about it

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  3. #77
    TOL Legend chrysostom's Avatar
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    “Never despair, but if you do, work on in despair.”


    ― Edmund Burke
    a voice crying in the wilderness :chrysost:

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  5. #78
    Censorship is the height of vanity Rusha's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by annabenedetti View Post
    I've been taking a class on stress and trauma. Very, very good. When the professor went down the line of symptoms and behavior and the DSM-5 requirements for diagnosis some of them started sounding kind of familiar. Knowing better than to fall victim to Psychology Student Syndrome (the fear that one has every disorder one is learning about ), nevertheless I approached her after class one day to talk about it and the circumstances around the death of one of my loved ones six years ago. What she said to me is for another time or never, but what I will say is that what she'd said in class, about how often "trauma shatters belief." That it often leads one to question everything one has ever believed in or had faith in, and that part of the healing process is in finding faith again. Not necessarily religion, but faith.

    I've experienced that shattering of faith. I can identify the beginnings of it and I can identify things that furthered the process. Whether or not I find faith again, I can't say right now, I can't see that far ahead. But I'm reminded of something a friend of mine said about grace being that no matter how far you drift away, God is following. That helps. Though I don't know anymore whether or not God is there, or if he was ever there.
    One day at a time ... that's the best you can do. Regardless of whether or not you come to a realization about the existence of God, your friends will support you.
    TRUST
    is a fragile thing.

    Easy to break, Easy to lose
    and one of the hardest things to
    ever get back.








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  7. #79
    Out of Order Town Heretic's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by annabenedetti View Post
    I miss her a lot. I have a bowl she gave me that I use every morning for my oatmeal. I never cared much for the pattern of it, we had very different tastes. I had the thought when she was alive and not knowing she would be gone so suddenly that I was stuck using dishes that I didn't care for because I didn't want to hurt her feelings by not using them. Now I look at that bowl and I love that bowl, because it was hers once.
    And I think that's the truth of faith, right there in the bottom of that bowl. An amazing gift she gave and left for you. You're going to be just fine, friend of mine. The rest is time.
    You aren't what you eat, but you're always what you swallow.

    Pro-Life







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  9. #80
    Over 6000 post club PureX's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by annabenedetti View Post
    Though I don't know anymore whether or not God is there, or if he was ever there.
    It may be time to redefine God, for yourself. That need is bound to occur, occasionally, as we continue to grow in spirit and understanding.

    The religion of "nothing ever changes" is a religion of death. People need to learn, and grow, to be fully alive. To deny ourselves this is a kind of death. And people who preach the denial of it are likewise preaching stagnation and death.

    When our old ideas of God are no longer relevant to us un our lives, it's time to develop a new one. And this is not "sin" or "blasphemy" because our idea of God is only an idea. It's not God Itself. So that to reject that idea and seek out a new one is not rejecting God, or seeking a false mental image (as the authoritarian religions usually assert). It's simply changing our internal conception of God to help us reconnect with the reality of God in our lives. Which is exactly what God would want you to do, isn't it?

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    Quote Originally Posted by chrysostom View Post
    “Never despair, but if you do, work on in despair.”


    ― Edmund Burke

    "them cows ain't gonna milk themselves"

    - my ex wife's father, at four in the morning

  12. #82
    TOL Legend annabenedetti's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rusha View Post
    One day at a time ... that's the best you can do. Regardless of whether or not you come to a realization about the existence of God, your friends will support you.
    Thank you, Rusha. That's what I'm doing, one day at a time.

    I've been thinking about all the relatives I've lost in the recent years. I counted them up... in the last 6.75 years I've lost eight, with the most recent about 4 weeks ago. Some I was very close to, some not, about half and half. But they were all family. And eight... that's a lot.

    Tried and waited then got tired, that's about it

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  14. #83
    TOL Legend annabenedetti's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Town Heretic View Post
    And I think that's the truth of faith, right there in the bottom of that bowl. An amazing gift she gave and left for you. You're going to be just fine, friend of mine. The rest is time.
    Thanks, TH. Time will certainly tell. I may have to borrow some of your optimism.

    Tried and waited then got tired, that's about it

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  16. #84
    TOL Legend annabenedetti's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PureX View Post
    It may be time to redefine God, for yourself. That need is bound to occur, occasionally, as we continue to grow in spirit and understanding.

    The religion of "nothing ever changes" is a religion of death. People need to learn, and grow, to be fully alive. To deny ourselves this is a kind of death. And people who preach the denial of it are likewise preaching stagnation and death.

    When our old ideas of God are no longer relevant to us un our lives, it's time to develop a new one. And this is not "sin" or "blasphemy" because our idea of God is only an idea. It's not God Itself. So that to reject that idea and seek out a new one is not rejecting God, or seeking a false mental image (as the authoritarian religions usually assert). It's simply changing our internal conception of God to help us reconnect with the reality of God in our lives. Which is exactly what God would want you to do, isn't it?
    I don't know, to be honest. I simply don't know. Every time I think I've figured something out, I find out I haven't. Which is okay. Pretty human, I guess. I've been learning about the difference between the way Eastern and Western minds accept contradiction, and it's kind of clicked. How Eastern minds are more likely to accept that the world is often contradictory (that their own selves can hold contradicting ideas), and they accept those contradictions and aren't motivated to try to get rid of them. On the other hand, the West is more likely to find contradictory self-views difficult to deal with, and in fact trying to deal with them can lead to anxiety and depression. Aristotle's law of non-contradiction vs. the I-Ching's principle of contradiction. That's kind of tangential, I'm just thinking out loud.

    Tried and waited then got tired, that's about it

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  18. #85
    Over 6000 post club PureX's Avatar
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    I greatly appreciate the eastern philosophical acceptance of existential contradiction (yin/yang) because it frees me from the necessity of value judgments beyond simple function. Existence occurs and maintains via a complex balance of opposing forces. Therefor, both aspects of the opposition are equally necessary, and equally valuable to the whole. I, however, am just one tiny bit within that whole, and so I may find myself enveloped by the 'yin' of existence today, and the 'yang' of existence, tomorrow. And so may be helped by circumstance, today, then harmed by it tomorrow. But whichever it is, I know the opposite effect will soon re-manifest.

    So that when life presents me with difficulties, I don't have to fight with God about it. Or seek out reasons, excuses, or blame. Because I understand that it's just a natural part of the way existence, exists. Some days it's just my turn to be hurt. Or yours. And some days it's my turn to be blessed with good fortune. Or you. And tomorrow will bring new circumstances, regardless.

    Truth be told I have come to understand that the opposites I see and experience in the world around me are not actually in the world around me. They are in ME! They are in the way I perceive the world around me. They are the result of how my human mind 'thinks' and how my human body perceives what I experience of the world. The landscape around me does not contain any hills and valleys. I simply perceive hills and valleys because my mind divides up and compartmentalizes and labels everything I experience, and logs it into my memory that way. In reality, the hills and the valleys are all of a singular whole. So is the weather and geology that generates them, and so on.

    The "world" that exists in my mind; made up of all these different 'parts' is an illusion. Including the "good parts" and the "bad parts". And the 'yin' and the 'yang'. It's all one phenomena. Me included. It's all the 'tao'.

    I find this realization very freeing, even if a bit humbling.

    I still fall into anger and resentment and blaming, and I still suffer from the effects of circumstance. But deep down I know that in doing so I am falling victim to my own binary conception of existence. One that has been created in my mind by my mind's own limitations. And if I am willing to humbly admit that to myself, much of my anger and blame and resentment and suffering, will simply vanish. Because it was the result of my own internal delusions.

    This self-transcendent view is not permanently sustainable. At least, not for me. But it is in me, now. And I can call on it when I need to. And it does work.

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  20. #86
    TOL Legend annabenedetti's Avatar
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    Last year I started visiting someone with Alzheimer's disease, I've been able to spend time with him on pretty much a weekly basis. It's been difficult watching the disease progress in this sweet man with his gentle sense of humor. He still knows who I am, but most of his conversation is centered in a time/space reality that only he can see. I've come to love him like my own family, and it was really hard to find out today that he's going into hospice.

    Tried and waited then got tired, that's about it

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    TOL Legend patrick jane's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by annabenedetti View Post
    Last year I started visiting someone with Alzheimer's disease, I've been able to spend time with him on pretty much a weekly basis. It's been difficult watching the disease progress in this sweet man with his gentle sense of humor. He still knows who I am, but most of his conversation is centered in a time/space reality that only he can see. I've come to love him like my own family, and it was really hard to find out today that he's going into hospice.
    I'm sorry anna, we all know what hospice means. It's hard to lose a person you love and I hope you're OK

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  24. #88
    TOL Legend annabenedetti's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by patrick jane View Post
    I'm sorry anna, we all know what hospice means. It's hard to lose a person you love and I hope you're OK
    Thank you patrick, that's very kind of you, and much appreciated.

    Tried and waited then got tired, that's about it

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    Quote Originally Posted by annabenedetti View Post
    Last year I started visiting someone with Alzheimer's disease, I've been able to spend time with him on pretty much a weekly basis. It's been difficult watching the disease progress in this sweet man with his gentle sense of humor. He still knows who I am, but most of his conversation is centered in a time/space reality that only he can see. I've come to love him like my own family, and it was really hard to find out today that he's going into hospice.
    I'm so sorry to hear that anna.

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  28. #90
    Over 6000 post club theophilus's Avatar
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    Good Morning @annabenedetti,

    I used to work in a hospital laboratory and one of my duties was to travel to three nursing home and a re-hab to draw blood for drug levels, etc... I developed a close relationship with many older folks who were "stuck" in these "homes." No one came to see them and they felt forgotten.

    There were times when I would arrive and the folks I came to know and love had died. It always tore a big swatch out of my heart and I would spend days grieving the loss and the incomprehensibility of dying when no one cared.

    One such old man knew I was a cat lover. One day I was drawing his blood and he gave me a pillow with his name on the back and a golden persian cat on the front. That was twenty years ago and I still have his pillow. I never washed it because I don't want his name to fade. I remember him and sit here typing through tears remembering his kindness.

    I finally left hospital laboratory work and now work in a big clinical laboratory. My rationale is that I can do more good for more people here than face to face. That may be wrong (and it is) and I am unwilling to live in a state of grief.

    Thank you for sharing. You always bring out my humanity and I appreciate it as I endeavor to insulate myself from this world of darkness, hate and selfishness.

    I love you woman. You, too, are a "string."

    Do you not realize, O soul, that your every breath, every heartbeat, every thought, word, deed and motive are lived every second of every day before the very Face of God?

    *Right now counts forever!

    Romans 14:12
    Matt. 12:36-37

    Lex orandi, lex credendi, lex vivendi!

    "And I'll be gone to heaven in a flash of fire with or without you." ~Hoyt Axton

    http://forumsmileys.co.uk/smilies/ri...lackribbon.gif - Psalmist
    http://forumsmileys.co.uk/smilies/ri...lackribbon.gif - Desert Reign

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